Pansy Pain Button

One day, long, long ago.....

Baby Attorney (who is my son by another mother) is walking out of the office front door and somehow manages to open the door with Just Right Timing so as to walk face first into the door. Portugese Washer Woman, Sexy Mexican and I offer extreme sympathy by laughing so hard we soaked our Depends. We thought he had been punking us by somehow kicking the door with his foot. We had been quite impressed with his clever, invisible foot kick. But, nooo. His face swells up with an instant black eye and bloody nose which only makes us laugh even more. We are so there for anyone in a medical emergency. Portugese Washer Woman is a particularly mean individual and found ways to accidentally kind of smack Baby Attorney's sore nose/face over the next week or so. And gleefully shout "Pain button."

Then I come home from my first Jamaica trip and have just been given a tetanus booster shot by my doctor. Of course, the shot site swells and is miserable and, yes, Portugese Washer Woman found ways to accidentally kind of smack my shot arm over that next week or so. And gleefully shout "Pain button."

Then, finally, one day Portugese Washer Woman comes to work with a hideously infected finger from a rose bush thorn. We all demand she go to the doctor, where he cuts open her finger and gives her a tetanus booster shot. During lunch that day I moved the chair I was sitting in closer to the table. In placing my full gargantuan weight back into the chair somehow I managed to put the front chair leg onto the top of The Portugese Washer Woman's foot....totally squashing her foot, tearing the flesh, blood is spouting everywhere. It was a gory mess. And an actual accident.

A couple days later Baby Attorney is in the office and I call Portugese Washer Woman into his office to display to him all her current wounds: the swollen miserable tetanus shot arm and the swollen oozing foot that looks like maybe amputation is going to be the best option. As I have her take off her big floppy sandal so Baby Attorney can view the carnage better I somehow accidentally kind of pressed her foot with my hand, with all my still gargantuan weight firmly behind my hand. She screams in pain to which I then jump up and hug her, nice and hard on her shot arm, to apologize for the foot pain. She screams some more. Both Baby Attorney and I, in a cosmic melding of minds and thoughts, simultaneously and gleefully shouted "Pain button."


Oh, how we all laughed. Except Her Royal Portugese Washer Woman Sourpussness. And I am still mystified with this Question of the Universe: Why do people allow Pansy anywhere near them for any reason? Ever?