Mr. Pansy Chainsaw Massacre Stories Nos. 3, 4, 5

Story No. 3:

Mr. Pansy and I had been in the backyard perpetrating general mayhem with the chainsaw. In the requisite short shorts, sandals, with the ubiquitous cans o' beer. Productively chainsawing all day long and now......Dum da Dum Dum Dum(b)!.....it was coming up on dusk. Which we STILL had not learned was a very bad thing when combined with us, a chainsaw and the ubiquitous cans o' beer.

This time, I confess, it was MY FAULT. We had been removing an old, rotty fence but had left a post standing since it marked where a faucet pipe with hose bib was sticking up from underground. I decided that the remaining post was just a bit too tall and directed Mr. Pansy to cut it down to the same height as the faucet pipe. He swigs down a couple swallows of beer (chainsawing is thirsty work) and says "Sure!" Because now he gets to Start Up the chainsaw AGAIN! Woo hoo! He goes after the fencepost with gusto. Halfway through the post seems there was a nail, which nail caught the chain of the chainsaw, snapping the chain right off the saw....which chain then whipped through the air toward Mr. Pansy's thigh. Cut clean through the shorts he was wearing and wrapped itself around his leg. The stinging pain was immediate and frightening since now one of us was going to have to actually look at his leg to determine if he had sawed off his leg and was simply standing there until he toppled off the leg and fell to the ground. With great trepidation and beery tears welling up in my eyes, I volunteer to check his leg for him. The carnage was beyond belief. There was a 2" swath completely around his leg where the hair, every fucking follicle of it, was totally fucking gone. No blood drawn, just some "razor burn". And the brand fucking new shorts were fucking ruined. $23 down the drain that we'll never see again. Stupid, wasteful Mr. Pansy. We hand-sawed the rest of the post off and quickly scurried to bed and pulled the covers over our heads.


Story No. 4:

Mr. Pansy is trimming tree branches, all day long in short shorts, sandals and with the ubiquitous can o' beer, all the way up to that goddamm fucking DUSK when he agreed to trim one last branch that I had determined just ruined the entire symmetry of our whole yard. Up the ladder he trots, starts up the chainsaw, trims off the Deeply Offending Branch.....which reveals to Eagle Eye Pansy yet another fucking ugly, symmetry-ruining branch. Mr. Pansy leans over to get the twig. Well, you can lean all you want and when you do did you know you will fucking topple off the ladder and fall (in incredibly slow motion) for 10, no make that 12, feet!!?? He landed on his back, holding the running chainsaw out at full arm's length the entire time. I am yelling at him to throw the chainsaw away so it won't do something "bad". Mr. Pansy can't immediately answer me because he's knocked the wind out of himself which took so long to recover from we feared he had collapsed his lungs. He claims afterward that he was not about to throw the chainsaw because he feared it would definitely take a bad bounce and kill me. Yeh. Right. In his dreams.



Story No. 5:

Finally some payback for Mr. Pansy! Again with the chainsaw, short shorts, sandals, ubiquitous can o' beer, backyard all day long, dusk coming on. He's up at the top of a really tall ladder (probably 20 feet in the air) and cutting away at a very large branch that had broken off another tree and was caught in the next tree. He has to scientifically determine where to cut so that the pieces of the broken branch fall somewhat predictably where he wants them to fall. I am standing on the bottom rung on the left of the ladder to offset his standing on the top rung on the right of the ladder. It's not that I weigh SO much but I do have a goodly amount of ballast to offer in these kinds of circumstances. The scientific decision is made and works like gangbusters.......except for that part where half of the large broken tree branch comes crashing down into my face. The portion that hit me was as large as my thigh so you can imagine how fucking huge that branch was. No, you have not imagined it large enough yet. Somehow this distraction makes me momentarily forget where I am supposed to stand and I kind of topple backwards off the ladder which creates a domino effect up the ladder to Mr. Pansy with the still-running chainsaw and he, chainsaw, and ladder all go (in that same freaky slow motion kinda way that people say happens when their lives begin flashing before their eyes) gracefully down to earth. When they (Mr. Pansy, the chainsaw and the ladder) landed on the ground the ladder had the nerve to toss up a dirt/sod divot into my face! Evidently some angels decided to soften Mr. Pansy's landing and even I got off scott-free, kind of. No damage to my Indescribably Beautiful Visage, just broken glasses. So this round only cost Mr. Pansy $400-ish for my new really stylin' RED glasses. They are so CUTE! Red/black tiger stripes on the outside of the temples with solid red on the inside of the temples, black on the inside of the lens portion with GLITTER RED on the outside of the lens portion. Oh, I am so adorable and hot looking in these new glasses. But I suppose that wasn't the goal/point of our chainsaw adventure that day.