Only Mr. Pansy

Only Mr. Pansy

Something Pansy Found 2 Lifetimes Ago

Let me not pray to be sheltered from dangers, But to be fearless in facing them.
Let me not beg for the stilling of my pain,
But for the heart to conquer it.
Let me not look for allies in life's battlefield,
But to my own strength.
Let me not crave in anxious fear to be saved,
But hope for the patience to win my freedom.
Grant me that I may not be a coward,
Feeling your mercy in my success alone,
But let me find the grasp of your hand in my failure.

Rabindranath Tagore (1861-1941)

Wednesday, August 27, 2008


Reunions! huh- yeah- What are they good for? Absolutely nothing Uh-huh Say it again y’all They ain’t nothing but a heartbreaker They cause unrest in the younger generation I said - Reunions! Huh – Good God y’all What are they good for? ......

AHHH, family! Can't kill 'em; can't eat 'em. But there IS that part where they reveal closet skeletons and make everyone (except the owner of the skeleton) laugh and laugh and laugh.

My Stupid Elderly Baby Sister (SEBS) did it! Not Me! Thank God! She has been finalizing family genealogy stuff for the past several years. Our mother put most of it together but is totally mentally gone now with Alzheimer's since 1999, so she obstinantly persists in being QUITE UNHELPFUL with our questions. During one of our home invasion/steal everything not nailed down visits to our Dad, up turns a letter from UncleG to our parents in which UncleG is announcing the birth of their third child, CousinJ.

SEBS proudly presents the letter to CousinJ during yet another one of those Family Reunions we keep having to endure since the fucking old people continue to refuse to die. As CousinJ read the letter she is making weirder and weirder faces. Turns out SEBS had read the letter when she found it, but for some reason interpreted it to have been written in our family's classic viciously sarcastic mode of communication. Not exactly.

UncleG wrote to say CousinJ was born 1 minute before midnight on July 22 and "couldn't she have waited one more minute? Now I have to pay for Sunday, too! I am so mad I could eat a ham sandwich!" [OMG. I am so grateful swearing has calmed down since 1953. Such profane language!] UncleG then informs my parents of the baby's name and writes "isn't that just awful!?" With the word "awful" heavily underlined...practically tearing through the paper. UncleG then makes more comments about how he can't see how my parents could hate him and his wife because he and his wife are too nice. And he signs off with an abbreviation of his name, "UG". It appears these two closest of brothers had a major tiff. UncleG and family did not come to most family reunions. Hmmmm....skeletons?

CousinJ is shocked since she has believed, for her entire life----up to that very second----that her birthday is July 23. Not July 22, which is when she was actually one minute before midnight thus directly causing her father incredible grief, financial woes, angering him enough to want to eat a ham sandwich, plus he hates her name! And he has never been "UG" in any way, shape or form so now she's thinking maybe he isn't even her father! hahahahahha! As us cousins all kindly laugh our heads off at her, she says "Holy Cow! This means I am not even a Leo!" To which we burst forth anew with even more laughter.

Since SEBS and I did not know CousinJ's "birthday" we had no clue this would be a bad letter for her. If we had known about July 22 vs. July 23, maybe that letter just would have disappeared. UncleG lives with CousinJ and her family so maybe an update/explanation is forthcoming. Meanwhile, I am pretending I have "the answer": SEBS and another girl cousin were both born on April 23 and CousinJ was born the same year "almost" on July 23. So maybe her parents just wanted to be in on the "babies born on the 23rd" cult thing. Although, to be honest, I didn't know there WAS such a cult re "babies born on the 23rd."

Then there was the reunion the year when finally a few of the old folks did die off. That's when all hell broke loose. Turns out one uncle dated AuntieM all through school. In small towns back then you did NOT date someone "fovever" without also marrying them. He joined the military and got sent where AuntieE was then living. The whole family told him to "look up AuntieE." About 6 weeks later, he and AuntieE were married. One does wonder how the family took THAT news but that's all blood long gone under some bridge somewhere. AuntiE dies and at the very next family renuion WidowerUncle is hitting up on AuntieM! WTF!? He was serious. She declined. Couldn't he let the body get just a wee bit COLDER before going after AuntieM? Sheesh. Horny old people.

The latest reunion was a week ago. Only THIS time the reunion is combined with my Dad's and UncleG's Prisoner of War group. Because who DOESN'T want to get together and reminisce about the good old days when we were all prisoners of war? Again with the remaining old people who refuse to die off, thus making us younger generationers have to waste our valuable time escorting their elderly asses around. Luckily we all drink. It is amazing that the core POWs are still alive and able to visit each other. Of the pod of four who spent their war years together (and got each other through it), three remain alive. This reunion probably was their last one. So that gathering was kind of tear-y.

But Family Reunions aren't the ONLY kind of reunions. Pansy attended a reunion this summer on the highest order of bizarreness: reunions with people you only know from the INTERNET! hahahahahhahahaha! And Mr. Pansy agreed to go along with this nonsense!

We all gathered together to ride our bicycles. That is the only commonality between us all. Evidently, that is enough. There was liquor available and I brought along all my drugs so I could become unconscious at the swallow of an overdose if necessary. What a fun long weekend that was. I do not know if I will again attend one of this group's reunions but I can assure you that using rare and valuable vacation time to do THIS kind of reunion smacks of insanity. Except for the fact that it was fun. Which only further affirms my conviction there was "Kool Aid" in those drinks.

And then there's the Ever-Unpopular But You Just Can't Look Away And Sometimes You Can't Even STAY Away: HIGH SCHOOL REUNIONS. This summer was a bumper crop for reunions of all kinds. So why not? Pansy went to a combo-reunion of her high school wherein her group was 41 years past graduation. I got to hook up with:

1. My unrequited high school crush
2. Some guy who said I was HIS unrequited high school crush
3. The guy Mr. Pansy THINKS was my unrequited high school crush
4. One of my 2 "best girl friends"

Here's a picture of my best girl friend. Taken by "accident" by Mr. #3. She thinks a "real friend" would destroy that picture. I say "who doesn't want to look long and get hard over a 60-year old grannie panties/pantyhosed crotch!?" Enjoy:

No, you shithead......that is NOT Pansy's 60 year old crotch. She's not THAT old. But she'll be glad to get that old.

Monday, August 25, 2008

Why'z Ev'y BUDDY Picking On Me?

For fucking god's sake...........Can't you fuckers of this world LEAVE PANSY ALONE? Besides her main credo: NOTHING IS SACRED, Pansy actually does have one (1), and ONLY ONE (1), lousy fucking rule to live by:

1. Remember: Only YOU can prevent an internet email joke from being forwarded. And do NOT send it to Pansy, you Stupid Email Skanks!


~whimper~ Why do people "invent" these emails in the first place? Pansy's Theory: to feel like they have control somewhere in their pathetic life. This would be especially applicable to all of the emails that have this fucking request included: "send this to 10 people in the next 10 minutes". OR WHAT, jackoff? [Puts hand up in air, waves it around excitedly, says "ooh! ooh! Pick me! Pick me!]

Teacher: Okay, Pansy. What do you think the "or what" involves?
Pansy: It means that if you don't send the email on to 10 people in 10 minutes you don't have any friends!
Teacher: Not exactly. Any other ideas?
Pansy: (worried/confused) It means you'll get bad luck?
Teacher: Not quite. Now think, Pansy.
Pansy: Oh, of course! You have to watch your children die terrible deaths right in front of you while you are being skinned alive all because you did NOT forward the email on!
Teacher: Very good! And what are you going to do the next time you receive one of these important emails, Pansy?
Pansy: I will respond to the Stupid Email Skank sender AND TO ALL OF THE OTHERS listed in that email something like this:

"You do not fucking get out very fucking much, do you? Geezusfuckingkryst, that email is so fucking old, PANSY probably made it up. WORSE.....this is a very fucking poorly disguised one of those FORBIDDEN "happy, uplifting" emails that are an inbred fucking cousin to those FORBIDDEN "joke emails" that hasn't Pansy already ripped you enough new assholes to convince you to STOP IT ALREADY?! You fucking old agoraphobic hag. GET OUT of your house more often, ok? And besides, this email was WRONG! There is ALWAYS a boozy drink in the other hand. In the REAL, original version of this stupid internet email piece of crap. You Stupid Skank."

But when Pansy did THAT, she got THIS from Stupid Email Skank #1:

"OMG! You dirty mouthed old whore. You just replied to my poor old and loving grandmother, who will most likely have a heart attack after reading your filth.
That’s the last time I ever send a “NICE” email your way to cheer you up! Looks like I’ll be taking a trip to Arizona to smooth things over with granny. I hate Arizona! BTW -Pansy, I’m sure you will be hearing from the nun that has been helping me through the difficult times I’ve been having with people trying to alienate my family and friends."

Plus, in a separate email Stupid Email Skank #1 also sent out this:

"To all my family and friends that are currently in shock due to the rantings of a certain “very ill” acquaintance of mine. I am so sorry you were subjected to this, just know that the paramedics finally got the straight jacket on once the tranquilizers took affect. My ill friend is in good hands and we should send only good thoughts her way. Sorry Grandma, I love you!"

And when a MAN SKANK sent Pansy some kinda email shit, Pansy wrote to him and All His Friends;

"if u do not fucking STOP this kind of fucking shit i will fucking kill you. and your wife and i will split the fucking insurance money. i mean it. fuck, i will just fucking kill you just to watch you fucking die. she can keep the fucking money. so am i just fucking dense or was there a fucking "joke" somewhere in that fucking attachment cuz i sure as fuck did not laugh at it. fuck"

But THAT had repercussions, too, which the foul Man Skank shared with Pansy:

"OK. You have made me the topic of discussion amongst all my coworkers who I used to call my friends. They are now piling on the Shiite beyond tolerance. Oh, and some of the curious have checked out your blog and found the, "hi my name is Pansy and I wanna be Hef's girl photos." Now they really think I'm some kinda pervert (don't repeat that). One who gets particular pleasure out of my embarrassment doesn't know my real name, he just calls me "Bitch." I was gonna cry on my momma's shoulder but she hates me too."

So Pansy decided perhaps she really should not include the other Innocent Victims of Stupid Email Skanks in her rants to the Stupid Email Skanks. She would only write to the Stupid Email Skanks themselves. And politely ask them to remove Pansy's name from such mass emailings in the future. Such as this request to Stupid Email Skank #2 who recently sent Pansy an email of squirrels being fakely cute and massaging each other. Which Pansy has only received said Stupid Fake Email 284 times this past year. Which kind of Stupid Fake Email is also on Pansy's Hit List because emails with lots of fancy-schmancy photoshopping/motion, etc. are just some pathetic loser's attempt to impress "us" with their Mad Computer Skilz. Pansy wrote:

"This is truly sick. Squirrels having doggie-style sex and you think THAT'S a stress relieving "precious moments" kind of thing that is somehow appropriate to email to everyone in the world? And who's to say that those squirrels aren't having anal sex? This smacks of beastial pornography. Plus, I believe (from the expression on his/her/its face) the "bottom" squirrel is just about to puke. I know I am. Whoops. I mean, I HAVE. Didn't you get the memo to stop spamming me with this kinda crap or you will deeply regret it? Please note I have used no damn vulgarities in this response. Oopsies! Sorry about that "damn". I meant: I have used no FUCKING vulgarities in this response. hahahhahahaha! Aahhhhhh! I feel all stress-free now! Laughter IS the best medicine. Next to heroin.
Mrs. Pure -n- Wholesome Pansy Palmetto"

THAT got Stupid Email Skank #2 mad. CLARIFICATION: Pansy does NOT feel that Stupid Email Skank #2 is indeed a "skank". Pansy is just using that phrase for continuity in this story. Pansy received this from Stupid Email Skank #2:

"First off let me say that I am truly sorry that I mistakenly clicked on your name and address and sent you the Stress Free Day e-mail with the 2 squirrels, one giving the other a relaxing back rub. There was absolutely nothing wrong with the picture of the squirrels, nor was it in bad taste. I am sorry you felt the way you did. While it was my intention to click on the person’s name and address that was underneath your name in my address book, I guess I failed to click on the correct one, and accidentally clicked on yours. Anyway…what I fail to see is why you sent your profanities to everyone I sent the email to; which included my 82 year old mother, my sisters and even my minister. That was totally un-called for. It was my mistake for e-mailing it to you, and not theirs. Again, I sincerely apologize to you."

HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAA! What are the fucking odds that this reaction was remarkably similar to Stupid Email Skank #1 and Man Skank? I mean, for god's sake, there is a religious figure (minister/nun) in each situation. ELDERLY MOTHERS. Distraught people all around. What's a Pansy to believe?

Worse, Pansy feels (brace yourselves) BAD! Pansy truly had NOT intended to include all the other Innocent Victims EVER AGAIN. So how did that happen? Because Pansy, poor thing, has that Terrible Fat Fingers Syndrome from peripheral neuropathy from the inoperable, incurable, the-doctors-don't-even-know-what-kind of CANCER Pansy even has so she has to get weekly chemotherapy to keep the CANCER under quasi-control but the chemo drugs have given Pansy moderately severe peripheral neuropathy from the CANCER that Pansy has……continue this mobius loop for as long as you wish….

Yeh, Bitch Pansy is pulling out her "Caner Card". "Caner" comes from Portugese WasherWoman who misspelled "cancer" long ago in a very heartfelt email she sent to Pansy. Who immediately slapped Portugese WasherWoman up one side and down the other, completely overlooking the heartfelt message in order to point out the misspelled word. So, forever more, Pansy has CANER.

The difference between Stupid Email Skank #1/Man Skank and Stupid Email Skank #2? Skank #1 and Man Skank are "friends" of Pansy. Pansy fears what curse Stupid Email Skank #2 is raining down on Pansy right this very second. But Pansy has no intentions of visiting her children any time soon, so they should be safe. I think maybe for as much as "the next 10 minutes." Somehow [golly gee], Pansy feels that Stupid Email Skank #2 does NOT believe Pansy's excuse/apology. Yes, Pansy wrote back and APOLOGIZED. But, then, we are probably "even" because (gasp!) Pansy does NOT believe the Stupid Email Skank #2's "apology" either.

I mean. Fuck. Look at it carefully. The Stupid Email Skank #2 STILL maintains that the email shows "2 squirrels, one giving the other a relaxing back rub." THAT IS SO FUCKING UNTRUE! SQUIRRELS DON'T KNOW FUCK ABOUT BACK RUBS. But Pansy is convinced that squirrels DO know about fucking. I'm leaving it to God to fucking sort this shit out. See you in Hell.