Pansy Au Natural

It all began, long long ago...

...on a blistering hot day. It was 110(F) by 10am and we were several days into a "pleasure bicycle tour" which involved the bus driving all of us up to Oregon, throwing us out with our bikes and a bag of dry rice to get home on....hundreds and hundreds of miles from home. Okay, it was a supported tour with lots of good food but that ruins the mental image of a rigourous tour. On this particularly hot ride day, the group had fractured into sub-sets and the group the Pansys were with knew of a "secret" local water delight. There were no roadside signs and although we waited for the other sub-set riders to show up we finally had to go on. It's that "save yourselves" rule of wilderness treks.

It was fabulous!! Fowler's Falls!! I still don't know where they are except somewhere in Northern California. A river flowing along a rockbed and then dumping over the edge (I swear it was a 20-30 foot drop) into the deepest, greenest, most refreshing pool of water before meandering further on down the mountain. There were some locals there and we watched them for awhile. They were jumping off the top of the waterfall into the pool of water. Looked doable. I got to the edge and froze. I could not do it and I Sooo wanted to jump. But it was very scary. I gnashed my teeth, watched fellow cyclists jump and survive and realized my problem was the exit route. You had to climb up a metal ladder bolted into the overhanging rocks and because the river had undercut the rocks so much over the years you literally were hanging upside down for most of the ladder climb out. And it was wet and slippery. I finally realized the "worse case scenario" would be that if I did slip off the ladder I would merely land in the deep pool of water. Okay. After yet 3 more false starts I took the almost biggest leap of faith I ever have. Oh My Gawd! I Jumped and Jumped and Jumped and Jumped.

Then I got "tired" which meant the Pansy Boisterous Brain Worms swarmed to the fore and took over. On my next jump I hit the water so hard that *somehow* the force just tore off my jersey! Really! It had nothing to do with my hands pulling it up over my head. Now, of course, I was wearing a lovely Pansy sport top so nothing to worry about there. Then, I swam down under the water to retrieve my jersey. *Somehow* the force of that action *tore* off my shorts! Unfortunately, while I expected it to be just a short mid-day moon, I had swum too close to the falls and the "washing machine" effect of the force of that falling water took my shorts away and tumbled them to the bottom of this rather bottomless pool, leaving me bottomless. And the water is crystal clear. It took many, many dives to retrieve my shorts. To the vast and ongoing amusement of everyone but the locals who hastily packed it out of there.

Okay, this would be good/bad enough. But, nooooo!! Each year that bastard Tour Leader designs patches to commemorate the tour. It takes a few months, but the patches show up, the tour participants get together and have a reunion party to show photos, eat, etc. EVERY ONE OF THEM KNEW ABOUT THIS PARTICULAR PATCH BUT ME. Even Mr. Pansy Knew! They all got their patches before I was handed mine. I am then cruelly subjected to just about the worst PayBack ever. Which makes me very proud of them and that piece-of-shit Tour Leader. And hate them immensely, as well. The patch was of a naked redhead woman with an overly ample (in my opinion) butt swimming upstream at Fowler's Falls.

Of course, I have Totally Paid BACK the PayBack, with heavy fines...but those are other stories, for other times.