Only Mr. Pansy

Only Mr. Pansy

Something Pansy Found 2 Lifetimes Ago

Let me not pray to be sheltered from dangers, But to be fearless in facing them.
Let me not beg for the stilling of my pain,
But for the heart to conquer it.
Let me not look for allies in life's battlefield,
But to my own strength.
Let me not crave in anxious fear to be saved,
But hope for the patience to win my freedom.
Grant me that I may not be a coward,
Feeling your mercy in my success alone,
But let me find the grasp of your hand in my failure.

Rabindranath Tagore (1861-1941)

Sunday, March 30, 2008

Epiphany of the Day

You CAN teach an old dog, even a Bitch Old Dog, new tricks! Pansy is, after all, an internet virgin despite that business about her being perceived as a $2 whore. Not that being a $2 whore is Pansy's actual business. It's her joking reference that means she is Just Very Open. But not "open", you know, "for business." Errrmmm....where is this all going again? Oh! Yeh! Pansy forgot, sort of did not know, whatever her lame excuse is, that there is a difference between being invited into someone's home as opposed to running wild in the streets. Email is an invitation. The Wide Open Free-For-All Internet is running wild in the streets. So, the next time Pansy takes someone up on that "invitation" she PROMISES (really) to wipe her hoofs and keep her clothes on when she comes in your house. Ooopsies! She meant when she ENTERS your house! hahahahhahaha.


UPI:Sacramento. Today a half-dead camel was found by the side of the road, bloodied from head to toe with many scorch marks in its fur and a broken back. Veterinarians performed surgery on the camel for hours. They stated they were "very cautiously optimistic but hopeful that the camel will survive." When pressed for further details, all the veterinarians would say was that they believed the camel to be female based on the two humps they found on its anatomy. But the humps were very saggy so the doctors did not want to be held to that conclusion until the camel regained consciousness and could provide them with more information.

Police have secured the area in which the camel was found and are puzzled by the many pieces of straw littering the area. One particularly large piece of straw is believed to be what was used to break the camel's back. When asked about the reasoning behind their theory as to which straw broke the camel's back, a police spokesperson said "she got moderated on the wide open free-for-all running wild in the streets internet and was dumped here in a hole of self consciousness. By the quantity of dirt under her hooves it appears she dug the hole herself. It's a mystery but we intend to solve it."


Among Pansy's many "issues", one should not forget to include this Particularly Big Issue: there is nothing sacred. As long as it is not illegal. Or immoral. Or costs too much. Or any number of other qualifiers Pansy will invent in order to bail herself out from being "in trouble" for her non-sacred behaviors. When Pansy issues a challenge or a joking taunt, she has been known to somewhat, a little bit, sort of, go completely berserk and "appears" to be out of control. But she's not so much out of control as she is simply acting on her deeply-rooted and very hard-won belief that one should "feel the fear and do it anyway." If she won't walk her own talk, how can she expect others to walk Pansy's talk/challenges? What she is specifically saying here is: she "forgot" her sports bra in her excitement over taking photos of her being a Not A Weather Weenie (please see, but DO NOT LOOK AT, the photos included in Pansy's recent post entitled "PANSY IS A JERK"). In "real life" her topless photo taunt/challenge would have been far more realistic if she had truly replicated the conditions involved in being a Not A Weather Weenie and, well, there would have been more clothes involved.

Which brings us to the REAL POINT of this post. THIS was the final straw: Pansy DID get moderated. By her photo upload host site on the internet! For her Not A Weather Weenie photos. Now, no, her photo upload host site is not quite the Wide Open Free-For-All Running Wild In The Streets Internet, but still! My goodness was she shocked to get that bit of information! Guess which photo got deemed as "inappropriate for this host site"? No, not that one. No, not THAT one, either! It was THIS one:

WTF? hahahahahhahahhahhaa! Talk about getting told, and in no uncertain terms, that she has one gawdawful ugly BACK. Why, it almost broke her spirit! All Pansy wants to know, really, is this: When, EXACTLY, does the shit stop rolling downhill? And can she get a seat somewhere else besides at the bottom of the hill? Well, maybe she could if she would stop being such a JERK! hahahahhahahahahaha!

p.s. There is, at present, NO INFORMATION AVAILABLE as to the condition of the camel's toe.

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Pansy Praise Is Hollow Indeed

Tour Leader is all kinds of stupid. He has a limitless, lifetime supply of stupid. Which means Pansy can never run out of pranks to pull on him. He did, once, successfully pull off a Payback on Pansy. However, within an hour of that horrible mistake of his, she threw it right back at him. Literally.

Our bicycle club sponsors bicycle tours each year. After the tour, there is a reunion party so we can share stories and photos while eating and especially while drinking to excess. This particular apres' tour party involved the presentation of the Pansy Au Natural Commemorative Patch. Pansy knew the Balance of the Universe hinged on her regaining her composure as well as the upper hand in this duel to the death with Tour Leader. So she composed herself while making a meringue pie topping with eggs from Tour Leader's chickens. Tour Leader's Wife helped Pansy make the meringue because she is Pansy's Friend more than she is Tour Leader's Wife.

There were presentations and various awards given out and the party is winding down. Finally, Pansy stands beside Tour Leader and begins her Speech. Pansy drones on about how the last few years of tours have been great fun, with lots of taunts and one upmanship between her and Tour Leader but that when it really came down to it the tours could never have happened without Tour Leader's very able guidance and devotion, etc., ad nauseum and she Declared A Truce. Pansy then kneels down (!) next to Tour Leader for the "truce has been called" photo-op. He jerks away and is shieing all around like a farm animal being castrated (too late, that had already happened long ago). But Pansy showed her hands and the fact that they were empty settled Tour Leader back down into his chair. He smiles, Pansy drapes her loving right arm around his shoulders, people are sadly gathering to take a picture of the Night The Dream Died And Pansy Burned Down....but, wait!

What's going on with Pansy's LEFT ARM? It's slithering out behind her, Tour Leader's Wife places the meringue-filled pie pan, topped with a chocolate syrup "happy face", into Pansy's hand. Pansy's left arm snakes back at speed and delicately places the pie pan into Tour Leader's face. Just in time for a time-elapse sequence of photos from the many cameras. The photos show the pie arm coming in for a direct hit; the pie pan all over Tour Leader's face; the meringue WITH chocolate "happy face" clearly showing on Tour Leader's face; Pansy laughing maniacally; everyone laughing maniacally; Pansy sprinting away from enraged Tour Leader (with a chocolate syrup "happy face" on his face); Pansy escaping into the swimming pool; Tour Leader lunging into pool and attempting to drown Pansy (can't be done, she has gills); victorious Pansy preening around with Tour Leader pouting in background. OH, it was glorious.

So many party attendees made a point of telling Pansy they were so glad she was such a liar. They had really believed her speech. Many more tours, with pranks, happened. Current Score:

Tour Leader: 1
Pansy: 90 million + 1 Oscar for Best Actress

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Pansy Is A Jerk

Because she (and her Brain Worms) loves nothing more than to jerk your chain. So, this "male" is all impressed with how Manned Up Pansy is and tells her she is so wonderful for ripping some sissymen new assholes, blah, blah, blah. He promises her photos of an event. As usual, he reneges on the promises. Because he thinks he has some kind of "boundaries" and "respects" others' requests. It's because he ain't Manned Up. I looked it up and right next to "ain't manned up" was a picture of HIS withered, dessicated, miniscule and definitely empty ballsack. Pansy felt spurned and burned and yearned for a payback, for about two minutes.

Then she remembered. Everyone she knows, compared to HER, is a fucking prude! What better way to payback than to do something that could be considered titillating (LOVE that word) or compromising or embarrassing because it's just a bit too over the top AND Completely Unexplainable! hahahahhahahahahhha! Plus, she knows that her behavior is always suspect until finally---usually years down the road OR after a week of intensive one-on-one close proximity to Pansy---her victims and their entire support system come to believe and understand and accept that Pansy is over the top in the most harmless way possible. Her victims are safest when being made the butt of her jokes. Because to be her joke butt means she really, really likes you and ONLY "likes" you. No worries about her having ulterior motives. The secret to pleasing Pansy is to squirm with concern about how your support system is going to perceive the Pansy Treatment. Her joke butts are always given a "specific to the occasion" treatment.

There is no explanation for this particular joke butt other than to say it involved weather weenies; cold temperatures that did not quite materialize; and Pansy's simple request for "topless" photos of the Not Weather Weenies. Turns out that there is more than one kind of weenie. That would be: Camera Weenie.

Pansy was therefore forced, FORCED she says, to create her own Not Weather Weenie/Weather Defying photo montage. To wit:

All Pansy wanted was some "discreet" topless photos such as:

Or even this might have sufficed:

But, noooooooo!! Pansy was denied all photographic evidence so she said "Okay. Be that way! Peace Out."

Wednesday, March 5, 2008

Why Doesn't He Take Pansy To The Movies Anymore?

It all began long, long ago......

The Pansys were quite young, but of legal age. And Deep Throat was all the rage. The Deep Throat movie, not the Deep Throat Nixon snitch. But Deep Throat was not available for viewing in Provincial Pansyland movie theaters. Well, technically speaking, Deep Throat was available between consenting partners and I suppose one or the other of those consenting people could view their own personal interpretation of Deep Throat. If they left the lights on and kept the bedcovers out of the way. Unless they were on a couch. Or in their car. Or a friend's bathroom. Well, anyway, the movie Behind The Green Door WAS available for viewing. Into the theater we go. After the absolute very end of the movie--we stayed extra long to be sure it was over--we leave, aghast. And wondering what on earth more could possibly be in Deep Throat that would make it unacceptable for local viewing standards? As we learned months later: nothing.

But that's not the real point here. The point is: Pansy cannot help herself in movie theaters. She must point out what she refers to as "Charlie's Angels continuity/editing". Charlie's Angels was that wonderfully awful television show with Farrah Fawcett and all those other who-cares-who-they-were-they-are-nobodies-now actresses. Without fail we watched every episode because, without fail, there would be numerous scenes that were just "not right in the haid". All long distance shots of the Angels showed they always wore life vests as they dangerously, but expertly, manuevered their jet skis. But in the closeups the Angels were Never wearing life vests. Maybe that's because they were endowed with natural/perhaps unnatural Mae Wests which the producers were anxious for us viewers to see and possibly then we would buy sets for our own selves. Product Placement they call it nowadays. Strictly for safety while dangerously manuevering jet skis, of course. Because large boobs, probably, increase one's expert level of jet ski manuevering. Come to think of it, Pansy now recalls that in the long distance shots those Angels were darn muscular. And quite hairy armed. And they had bulges in their bikini bottoms. For flotation? Or fellatio? Hmmm.

Meanwhile, we Pansys are in the theater studiously paying attention to Behind The Green Door when, from one scene/angle to the next scene/angle.....quite frankly that body part was NOT Marilyn Chambers!!! Which Pansy loudly proclaimed with disgust and objections. And then the other people who were in this documentary film about body parts.....well, quite frankly they were using body doubles all over the damn place. Pansy could hardly stand the non-continuity. She almost became incontinent. As did the laughing audience around Pansy. Mr. Pansy scowled on the way home.

Years and years later Pansy was riding her really hot brand new just now being seen out on the highways and byways one-seater (for us Lone Wolf types) Harley Davidson Buell Lightning 1 along Highway 50. Rule One of riding motorcycles is: Always check your mirrors. And then check them again. In doing so, Pansy noticed this crazy car ricocheting from lane to lane and coming on pretty damn fast. Pansy is pretty damn fast herself and on this day happened to also be riding her motorcycle pretty damn fast. She determines she is not pleased with this crazy car and its antics so she gets in the slow lane to make sure crazy car can get past and be gone.

Crazy car manuevers itself all the way up to right beside Pansy and then paces her. Finally she gives up and looks over. IT IS FUCKING (figuratively but maybe literally, too, you never know) HOWIE LONG in a really hot brand new just now being seen out on the highways and byways 2-seater BMW convertible who..... [Please note: that while Pansy loves/lusts with her whole body, heart, mind, soul for FUCKING (figuratively but maybe literally, too, you never know) JAMES GARNER].....well, she'd dump Stupid Old Jim in a heartbeat for FUCKING HOWIE LONG!! Good God! Pansy even owns a "Howie" necklace she bought special for her fantasies about FUCKING HOWIE LONG!! It really was HOWIE! Pansy is dying if she's lying here. And he gives Pansy a huge shit eating grin and a thumbs up!!! Pansy is not stupid. She knows he just wants Pansy's BIKE! So, she smiles right back at him, revs up her bike and leaves him behind like that! hahahahahhahaha! He catches up to her and smiles and waves and thumbs her up (well, figuratively speaking, although you never know) again! Alas. There's Pansy's exit. Dammit. So she blows Howie a kiss, he laughs, and they part ways. Sigh.....

Pansy babbles for days about her and HOWIE. Mr. Pansy mocks Her! He does not believe Pansy! Well, honey, Pansy gots news for you: Next time she sees Howie, she's gone. Several years after this event out comes Howie's movie "Firestorm". OMG, OMG, OMG!! Mr. Pansy smirkingly takes Pansy to see Her Howie. Because although he vigorously mocks The Pansy, he also equally vigorously feeds The Pansy Monster. He takes Pansy to see Her Howie during an old people's afternoon matinee screening. He has always been one cheap ass. No matter. Pansy drools and watches this fascinating, probably a documentary, film which reveals Howie's great acting abilities. He makes Farrah Fawcett look like at least a Double(D) Oscar winning actress. Howie couldn't act his way out of....ummm...some kind of container like thing that's made out of, like, maybe paper and is moist or damp or soggy, like with maybe water. Howie has 4 (count 'em...FOUR) expressions:

1. Steely gaze (to gaze steely)
2. Happy smiling puppy face (to look like a happy smiling puppy)
3. Frowny face (to look frowny or perhaps constipated)
4. I forget

At any rate, this movie goes on forever and is making Pansy groan louder and louder. And not in a Deep Throat or Behind The Green Door good kinda groaning way. She had many, many "not quite right in the haid" scenes to comment about. At the very end of the show somehow Howie has been under water for a really long time. But he doesn't die. Dammit. There should have been death rolls with a crocodile involved. Pansy certainly remembers yelling/rooting for a crocodile. No crocodiles were in the movie, which she pointed out was a great disappointment to her. Pansy doesn't know or care what the other 8 people in the theater thought about whether the movie was missing a crocodile. Pansy DOES care that at the wonderful, climactic ending (climactic because it was, thankyougodfinally, the end!) of the movie Howie gives his Very Best Smiling Puppy Face to which Pansy screamed (yes, screamed) "That's Exactly how Howie looked at ME that day on the motorcycle!" She could not help herself. It really was the same face. Mr. Pansy scowled on the way home.