PANSY LOVES AMERICAN RED ROSES

Once upon a time, long, long ago:

I have always been quite the feminist despite my Exceptionally Large and Manly Muttonchops, Heavy Mustache and other manly etceteras. At the Heights of my Feminist-ism, one day, on the very same day in fact, I saw a print ad and a television ad for a new tampon. All of the FULL CAPS used below were present in the original print ad:

New, Improved, Fresh-Scented, Extra Absorbent, Tampons That Customize Themselves To YOU, TODAY'S AMERICAN WOMAN. Because, YOU, TODAY'S AMERICAN WOMAN, deserve the very best in feminine protection, comfort, fresh-scentedness and reliability. And that's where [please insert (omg! Tampon pun!) name of brand] Tampons are Unique...just like YOU, TODAY'S AMERICAN WOMAN.

The print ad went into extreme detail about this particular tampon's uniqueness. The ad carefully explained that YOU, TODAY'S AMERICAN WOMAN are as precious and special as an AMERICAN RED ROSE. And, like an AMERICAN RED ROSE, YOU, TODAY'S AMERICAN WOMAN have an "inside flower". [brand name]tampons are uniquely designed, when in use, to open up much like an AMERICAN RED ROSE and "fill every inside inch of YOU, TODAY'S AMERICAN WOMAN." YOU, TODAY'S AMERICAN WOMAN need never worry again about protection, comfort, fresh-scentedness and reliability with [brand name] tampons.

I FUCKING KID YOU NOT.

And the television ad!!! Oh, it was the Greatest! It showed AN AMERICAN WOMAN, with a large vase of AMERICAN RED ROSES in the background demonstrating how this wonderful new tampon worked. AMERICAN WOMEN, by the way, are extremely blonde, white, blue eyes and dress Very Perky in the style of Picadilly Circus which was super "in" at that time--even though Picadilly Circus is in London. But fuck geographic details and facts. The television AMERICAN WOMAN dipped an ordinary, nasty, worthless tampon into a glass of water. It just got all waterlogged, stayed in its same thin, hot dog shape and DROOPED when lifted out of the glass of water...AND left a dribble trail to the nearby saucer (said in a dismissive tone of voice). Well! All of us AMERICAN WOMEN can sure relate to THAT scenario and I ain't talking tampons here. BUT! No need for despair, because then the AMERICAN WOMAN demonstrated the wondorous, new and unique tampon. IT, when placed in the glass of water, did in fucking fact "bloom" into a kind of AMERICAN RED ROSE shape and it did NOT DROOP or DRIBBLE when moved from glass to saucer. In my excitement I do believe I got all wet and droopy and possibly even dribbled a little bit.

This was just too much for me. I raced to the store, bought a supply of this great new invention for ME, AN AMERICAN WOMAN. I tried to convince all my girlfriends to do the same. They would not. What was wrong with those stupid bitches?

And because they would NOT help me out, it took me months to acquire enough supplies but finally I was ready. I bought various items from a florist and I made just the most beautiful AMERICAN RED ROSE bouquet out of the used tampons--which had quite satisfyingly filled every inside inch of me. I arranged the faux roses in a foam holder in a plastic vase, packed the whole thing up and shipped the bouquet to the company's main office--at a not incidental cost to me considering I made all of $1.35 an hour at the time--with a wonderful essay enclosed about how I treasured their product so much I wanted to present them with this unique and relevant AMERICAN WOMEN LOVE AMERICAN RED ROSES "award".

I still have never heard back from them. Rude, inconsiderate corporate pigs.


I have never heard any human, woman or man, anywhere, use "flower" in that context EXCEPT that whack-case Oprah. SHE, on television, has referred to "her flower". I cannot express how much thinking of Her and her fucking "flower" just gives me the heaves. And the heebie-jeebies. And full body spasms and I ain't talking good spasms here. I have repeatedly advised others in her circumstance: get a damn light installed in your closet and turn it on. So you can see the doorknob and come out. The stupid bitch just really needs to fucking get it fucking over with already. And it would save her all that damn hush money she pays Steadman. Maybe she would even send just SOME of that hush money to me as her consultant. I would be satisfied with 50%.