MO' WAX!!! Dear Gawd, We Gonna Need MO' WAX!!

We have been to Jamaica 6 times. The resort we go to is Hedonism II and is referred to by all the locals as "The Zoo" because the people that go there are freaks. Not us, of course! We sit at the Perfectly Normal People's Table. We just observe them. In actuality, it's not as nasty as it sounds and everyone is simply there for their version of a vacation. One year a woman was there by herself. Every day she is on the clothing optional beach tanning and reading. Never went in the ocean, the pool, the hot tub. About day 6 she has acquired herself a Jamaican man/boy. He is taller than her and quite the handsome manwhore. They swam out to one of the two floating fiberglass square docks anchored not too far offshore. On the square dock they proceeded to engage in every possible sexual act and possibly several impossible acts. Every orifice was explored by all digits or extensions of bodily parts----both hers and his. They inserted and sucked each and every one of each others' toes and fingers. After it is all over, which went on for a good hour or more so I suspect some blue pill drugs were involved, the guy (who is in his 20s) is sitting on the edge of the dock with his feet dangling in the water and staring down. We decided he was trying to recover from the horror of what he had just been paid NOT NEARLY ENOUGH to do.

She gracefully swam away back to shore, resumed her place on her beach chair and continued reading. He eventually stopped puking and swam to shore, landing far down the beach from HER and went away. She was quite tall and not too largely built except her butt was nearing ginormous porportions with lots of dumplings implanted thereabouts and her face/hair was a total computerized duplicate of JANET RENO for god's sake. With a big, dangerous overbite. She had pubic hair that was so matted small creatures undoubtedly lived in there as well as insects of every kind. The triangular briarpatch went up to her navel and a bit above. And to the outer reaches of her hip bones. I am thinking in square feet here. And then, the piece de resistance: matching armpits. You have NOT imagined how hairy she was. Noo! MORE hairy than even THAT! Seriously. Aughh. Plus, it was patchy salt-n-peppery (and NOT in a good Spice Girls kinda way). More like a creepy Australian Shepherd.

They had gone to the dock that was "closest" to shore since the other dock was already occupied by 2 couples who were also having their ways with each other in every combination but NOT the two men together. The two women got together, sure. And each woman with each man. But those men were MANLY men. So manly, that when one needed some more lube and asked his buddy to pass it over, the buddy didn't just stick out his own greased-up hand and rub some off on friend's hand. He didn't even just hand over the tube of lube. He threw the tube overhand up into the air and buddy had to lunge to catch it, slipping out of his woman (who was actually the wife of the other guy) and the tube almost hit the water. Oh, they all had a hearty laugh together! Such good friends.

That night at the disco I am standing around waiting for Mr. Pansy to bring me a drink when suddenly I feel him licking me from my collarbone to the top of my ear. I giggle and turn to smooch him to find that fine Jamaican man/boy whore who says to me in that exotic accent that is used to hypnotize susceptible Hopelessly White Women "You are very pretty lady." I politely thanked him as I desperately disinfected myself and said "that's all good and fine but I am here with just my husband." To which he says "I will love you like I am your husband." Just as the negotiations were getting down to some serious bidness that fucking Mr. Pansy showed up and spoiled my Enchanted Jamaican Evening plans. Mr. Jamaican man/boy whore politely said to Mr. Pansy "all respect, mon" and smoothly glided away. I suppose it's refreshing to know I look like I might have enough money to pay for a man whore. And evidently NEED to pay to get a man. Hmmmmm. That didn't come out right.