#5 Pansy Walks Into A Bar And...

It all began, long, long ago:

Mr. and Mrs. Pansy are riding their two Harleys to Reno, NV, for a romantic long weekend to celebrate their 25th Wedding Anniversary. They stop at a turnout to enjoy the majestic vista overlooking Nevada. Pansy notices her helmet visor is not snapped on all 3 snaps. The middle one needs to be popped back in. She leans her head forward a bit and Mr. Pansy pushes on the snap. It won't go back in. He says he's going to have to "pop it a good one". In hindsight, Pansy (who knows he deliberately mumbles to trick her into all kinds of bad decisions) now believes he said "I am going to pop you a good one."

Anyway, Pansy agrees to the good popping plan and again leans forward a bit, which makes Mr. Pansy go "off sides" and he HIT her helmet visor with every single muscle fiber and bitter emotion he evidently has built up over the past 25 years. Pansy's head snaps backwards with great force, stopped only by the base of the helmet hitting her across her upper shoulders, sending them into a instantaneous major muscle spasm while also simultaneously snapping her lower jaw shut so forcefully all four of her front bottom teeth get immediately chipped off by the top teeth. To Mr. Pansy's deep regret her tongue was not also injured and, in fact, it became quite agitated over this "accident."

Okay, Pansy is willing to believe she led Mr. Pansy on with her jukey move but what she had INTENDED to do was take off her helmet so he could snap the visor fully on. After repeatedly rinsing and spitting the tooth chips out, Pansy becomes aware that all this happened while we have been near a parked Highway Patrol car officer in the same turnout who did NOTHING to investigate this suspicious situation! I think he even winked at Mr. Pansy.

We continue on into Reno, arriving about noon. We have always been, and will always remain, Turnip Truck Escapees so we immediately hit the casinos empty stomached to get those free drinks because we can never learn our lesson about that combo. About 3pm we wander/stagger back outside where there is a bunch of crap everywhere....what is it called? Oh, yeh. A shitload of goddam blinding SUNSHINE everywhere which makes us start cursing like drunk people who have suddenly gone blind. I think we said something like:

Me whispering: SHIT! I CAN'T SEE FOR FUCK! WHAT THE FUCK?
Mr. Pansy whispering: SHIT! I CAN'T SEE FOR FUCK! WHAT THE FUCK?

Plus we need to curse about the probability that we will ever again find our hotel.

Me whispering: HOW THE FUCK ARE WE GOING TO FIND OUR HOTEL EVER AGAIN?
Mr. Pansy whispering: I DON'T KNOW WHERE THE FUCK OUR HOTEL IS.

Which did not attract any attention from the nearby policeman looking at us. I think he winked at Mr. Pansy, too. Right then a young, under 25, male goes be-bopping by wearing headphones which are connected to NOTHING but he is a bopping and grooving. And he has something tattooed on his forehead.

Me whispering: WHAT THE FUCK DOES HE HAVE ON HIS FUCKING FOREHEAD?
Mr. Pansy whispering: "SHIT FOR BRAINS"!

We do not die because Space Cadet Boy (who could have taken both of us down with one hand tied behind his back) fortunately is too messed up to hear/understand these old people, one of whom is partially toothless, on the sidewalk who evidently have had bullhorns implanted in their mouths. Because they, too, were currently alcohol impaired enough to also have shit for brains. We eventually found our way back to the hotel, and back to the casinos and free drinks, etc. and eventually even back to our home.

About 4 months later I am going to the dentist for my regular checkup and comment that in the past week or so I have had a "buzzing" in my upper left front teeth. Dentist checks all the teeth and yep only those 2 are "buzzy". He ponders this and says:

DDS: Have you bitten on hard food lately or got hit in the mouth somehow?
Pansy: Oh, of course! Mr. Pansy really socked me one a few months ago and all my bottom teeth are chipped, too. Can you kind of file them smooth?

Various medical and educational people in California are MANDATED abuse reporters and he and his nurse get all freaked out. They start quizzing me and getting out forms and taking notes. hehehehhehehehe. I explain the situation and since they have not heard this particular "abuse cover up story" before they decide to go along with it. But they did, several times, even as I am walking out the door, assure me if I "ever need to talk we are here for you."

The diagnosis was that my teeth roots had been bruised and there was nothing to do but wait to see if they died or recovered. I skipped around for weeks singing "All I want for Christmas is my Four Front Teeth" since all would need to be replaced to make them matchy-matchy. I was Extremely disappointed when the $2000 repair job did not come to pass since my teeth recovered. So now I still have those snaggly front teeth. And the bottom teeth got filed smooth....which I should have refused to have done because then I would be so much closer to being my dream animal: a land-based Great White Shark with those nifty serrated teeth. Then I could just smile at the family jewels when I felt Mr. Pansy needed to see things my way.

I hate it when Mr. Pansy wins one. Which he won only because we had been going to this dentist for 25 years.