When Mr. Pansy Was Just 21......

It was a long, long time ago......

We lived in a college town where all of the bars would give a free pitcher of beer to people ON their 21st birthday. My, how times have changed, eh? Mr. Pansy made the rounds of all the bars in town (at least 5 as I recall), returns to our abode about 4pm and crashes into bed. He did not notice the frantic preparations Pansy was involved in that were for his surprise birthday party that night.

The party is roaring from the start. Loads of people are there, getting loaded. My, how times have NOT changed, eh? Around 8pm people start asking "What about what you promised us on the invitation, Pansy?" I had no idea what they were talking about because even though I was chaperoning the party I have to breathe, too, and some of that sandwich smoke had gotten into my lungs. Plus some beers had gotten into my stomach. But the lying partygoers all claimed I had promised to wear my tie-dyed dropbottom longjohns and do fancy snapping tricks with my leather bull whip. So Pansy is forced to go rustle up the outfit and do her whip tricks. No, she cannot do them anymore (but she is willing to try) and if you weren't there you don't get to know what all said whip tricks involved.

And then, like Pansy in longjohns doing whip tricks is not enough, the demanding people start asking "Where is Mr. Pansy?" Pansy had not even noticed he was not in attendance. Evidently it was a good enough party without him. Into his room she goes and finds him "eating a sandwich" [euphimism for smoking grass]. She snuffs out the "sandwich" [still talking grass here] and tells him there is a party going on and for him to get his birthday ass out there. He had truly not noticed the 50+ people nor heard the loud music blaring in the 4-room abode. That was some good "sandwich" [Mexican grass] he was eating [smoking].

A party attendee had brought a birthday cake which most people consumed. Except for Mr. Pansy, Pansy and about 3 others. "Suddenly" the crowd is really getting weird. Weird enough for even Pansy to notice. A couple of investigative questions later she finds out the stupid cake bringer had put lots (lots of lots) of LSD into the frosting. This is not good and Pansy strongly recommends against such nefarious behavior. It wasn't cool then and it ain't cool now. Seriously.

But an even bigger nuisance is now she has to fucking babysit this completely stupid in the head crowd and be the "trip guru" for a whole bunch of people who are now starting to wander outdoors---in real life, not just mentally. She finds and herds back to the house a group of about 12 that were in the nearby gas station mini-market getting things for their munchies. Another clutch of 11 are playing with a water hose. Back into the house they are shuttled toward towels and sheets to dry off with. Then a whole bunch are missing and Pansy finds them in a supermarket. To get to the supermarket they all had to climb the 6-foot fence in our "backyard" which means I had to fucking climb the fence, too. There they all are, in the cereal aisle, demanding (some were kinda scared) to know why there were so many frogs loose in the store. After I magically and ceremoniously "sweep away" the frogs to clear the path for them (which was hard to do because there were NO FUCKING FROGS there), they obediently followed me back home, over the 6-foot fence.

You all do recall that Pansy is dressed in tie-dyed, dropbottom longjohns and carrying a leather bull whip.

After awhile Pansy figures out how to keep them safely corralled by putting Mr. Pansy's motorcycle (which lived indoors in the kitchen area) against one door and she stood guard at the other door. During the vast majority of this party Mr. Pansy kept retreating to the bedroom for a nap or a "sandwich" and sometimes a drink.

There was plenty to drink, too. Because that afternoon Pansy had ridden her bicycle [with full fenders, kickstand, and genuine leather actually-for-horses saddlebags slung across the back fender] to the liquor store (about 2 miles away) to purchase 21 bottles of liquor as a birthday gift. She walked into the store, told the clerk she had a friend turning 21 and wanted to buy him a nice selection of adult beverages. Clerk and Pansy went up and down the aisles with Pansy pointing out various bottles like she had any clue on earth what she was doing. Pansy and the clerk "sophisticatedly" discussed the merits of this or that product and eventually she acquired and paid for 21 various liquors. She loaded these all into her saddlebags and rode away to her home. The bottles made a merry clinking sound as she pedalled along. The clerk never asked for ID, didn't even blink an eye. Pansy was 19 years old. NO "old hag" remarks, Please. Pansy has heard them all. Over the years Mr. Pansy has been mistaken for: Pansy's younger sister; Pansy's younger brother; and he has been carded at least once in every decade of his life. He was last carded about 2 months ago for a beer. I am not joking.

Eventually all the cake frosting victims came "down", the munchies were conquered, luckily no one got sick or arrested. But the party had to come to an end somehow and yes, Mother Pansy was the one who called it to an abrupt halt. When she found Mr. Pansy and a guest, at 4am, drinking the very last drops of the very last of the now-empty 21 bottles of booze from her precious toy poodle's food bowl. Anyone knows it is totally foul to be messing with a dog's food bowl. The darling puppy might catch a germ. Retch.

Then Pansy had to go to work at 10 am that morning. She looked pretty roughed up. But that's what happens when you get too wild popping a bull whip around like that.