Pansy: The New Dr. Ruth

Pansy is constantly misunderstood or maybe it's misinterpreted. I mean, all she is doing is Saying Stuff and others get all queasy or funky looking!! For example, one of her favorite jokes:

Dentist has never married, lives with mother all his life. Finally mom dies and he decides to try dating. Goes out with several women but the relationships never go anywhere. Finally he is dating a woman who really does like him. She questions him one night:

She: Why do you never go beyond kissing me?
He: Because my mother told me about you women and what you have down there.
She: What are you talking about?
He: You know. You all have pointed teeth down there.
She: That is a lie and I'll prove it. (Pulls her dress up, panties off. That's it, guys. Will you please continue reading this post. Sheesh.)
He: Well, of course, YOU don't have any teeth. Not with that nasty case of gingivitis you have going on.

I told this joke to Tour Leader dentist and his wife, forgetting they are PRUDES. They actually blanched. I thought it would warm them up. Instead it killed the holy fucking hell out of any chances for group sex between us THAT night. Dammit.

It is true that sex is one seriously hard (pun!) driving life force. Pansy got her "diagnosis" in 2003 and was thrown right into some seriously nasty chemo. One night as Pansy was spending the evening doing her new usual (laying on the floor in the family room vomiting) she did dip into a bit of moroseness: "Is this it? I lay down and vomit until I am dead? No more work? No more play? No more sex?" Even she was surprised that she was missing sex in the middle of vomiting. Then Pansy got over herself and went and had sex with Mr. Pansy until HE puked. hahahahahha. Now, HOW can that be TMI? You want TMI? Oh, I gots some TMI racheer fer ya!

Pansy caught a really lucky break on the cancer/chemo thing. Which is a good thing because Mr. Pansy would have been one sad empty shell-man if I had left him behind back then. Now I can fill him up all I want to with lots and lots of Pansy. Not that I didn't before, but perspectives change when your very own personal Sweet Chariot swings way down low for YOU. I can still feel its tire tracks all across my back.

You only have one life. Live for today while knowing that you are likely going to have to, dammit, answer for it tomorrow. hahahhahaha. Seriously, now is the time to get it on. For me and Mr. Pansy we are a strange kind of couple because as "Love Children of the 60's" we felt very strongly about having an Open Marriage. That means: you want out of this marriage? I'll give you a hundred yard head start and then I'm opening fire on your sorry freaking MARRIED TO ME FOREVER ass." We are vehemently monogamous. Which means we got to have our fun.....WITH EACH OTHER. Dammit. Now I am the first to admit we undoubtedly have a very vanilla sex life but it's fun for us and that's all that counts. I am just sorry some kinds of fun took so long to warm up to. Oh, I was all warmed up to them before cancer. But still, what was I thinking? Holding out on the poor boy like that.

No, I don't have any actual wisdom to dispense. Just letting you know you shouldn't miss out on what you can already have. You would be surprised at how the simplest of things rocks it for your spouse. I am only speaking from a female point of view (despite the undisputed fact I am the Most Manned Up Woman On Earth) but good god when just "personal shaving" elicits a raging erection like you can't believe...every time? I would laugh but that would be impolite. Oh, wait. I like being impolite. hahahahahhahahahaha! So now we are working on frequency/location issues. I say we have sex all the time. Like no less than 10 times a week. He says we hardly ever have sex. Like as infrequently as only 10 times a week. But we both love the hell out of Hallway Sex. How we do it is when we pass each other in the hallway we shout "Fuck You" at the top of our lungs. Good thing the children have moved out so we don't have to muffle ourselves anymore.

Work Hard. Play Hard. Stay Hard.