Why Doesn't He Take Pansy To The Movies Anymore?

It all began long, long ago......

The Pansys were quite young, but of legal age. And Deep Throat was all the rage. The Deep Throat movie, not the Deep Throat Nixon snitch. But Deep Throat was not available for viewing in Provincial Pansyland movie theaters. Well, technically speaking, Deep Throat was available between consenting partners and I suppose one or the other of those consenting people could view their own personal interpretation of Deep Throat. If they left the lights on and kept the bedcovers out of the way. Unless they were on a couch. Or in their car. Or a friend's bathroom. Well, anyway, the movie Behind The Green Door WAS available for viewing. Into the theater we go. After the absolute very end of the movie--we stayed extra long to be sure it was over--we leave, aghast. And wondering what on earth more could possibly be in Deep Throat that would make it unacceptable for local viewing standards? As we learned months later: nothing.

But that's not the real point here. The point is: Pansy cannot help herself in movie theaters. She must point out what she refers to as "Charlie's Angels continuity/editing". Charlie's Angels was that wonderfully awful television show with Farrah Fawcett and all those other who-cares-who-they-were-they-are-nobodies-now actresses. Without fail we watched every episode because, without fail, there would be numerous scenes that were just "not right in the haid". All long distance shots of the Angels showed they always wore life vests as they dangerously, but expertly, manuevered their jet skis. But in the closeups the Angels were Never wearing life vests. Maybe that's because they were endowed with natural/perhaps unnatural Mae Wests which the producers were anxious for us viewers to see and possibly then we would buy sets for our own selves. Product Placement they call it nowadays. Strictly for safety while dangerously manuevering jet skis, of course. Because large boobs, probably, increase one's expert level of jet ski manuevering. Come to think of it, Pansy now recalls that in the long distance shots those Angels were darn muscular. And quite hairy armed. And they had bulges in their bikini bottoms. For flotation? Or fellatio? Hmmm.

Meanwhile, we Pansys are in the theater studiously paying attention to Behind The Green Door when, from one scene/angle to the next scene/angle.....quite frankly that body part was NOT Marilyn Chambers!!! Which Pansy loudly proclaimed with disgust and objections. And then the other people who were in this documentary film about body parts.....well, quite frankly they were using body doubles all over the damn place. Pansy could hardly stand the non-continuity. She almost became incontinent. As did the laughing audience around Pansy. Mr. Pansy scowled on the way home.

Years and years later Pansy was riding her really hot brand new just now being seen out on the highways and byways one-seater (for us Lone Wolf types) Harley Davidson Buell Lightning 1 along Highway 50. Rule One of riding motorcycles is: Always check your mirrors. And then check them again. In doing so, Pansy noticed this crazy car ricocheting from lane to lane and coming on pretty damn fast. Pansy is pretty damn fast herself and on this day happened to also be riding her motorcycle pretty damn fast. She determines she is not pleased with this crazy car and its antics so she gets in the slow lane to make sure crazy car can get past and be gone.

Crazy car manuevers itself all the way up to right beside Pansy and then paces her. Finally she gives up and looks over. IT IS FUCKING (figuratively but maybe literally, too, you never know) HOWIE LONG in a really hot brand new just now being seen out on the highways and byways 2-seater BMW convertible who..... [Please note: that while Pansy loves/lusts with her whole body, heart, mind, soul for FUCKING (figuratively but maybe literally, too, you never know) JAMES GARNER].....well, she'd dump Stupid Old Jim in a heartbeat for FUCKING HOWIE LONG!! Good God! Pansy even owns a "Howie" necklace she bought special for her fantasies about FUCKING HOWIE LONG!! It really was HOWIE! Pansy is dying if she's lying here. And he gives Pansy a huge shit eating grin and a thumbs up!!! Pansy is not stupid. She knows he just wants Pansy's BIKE! So, she smiles right back at him, revs up her bike and leaves him behind like that! hahahahahhahaha! He catches up to her and smiles and waves and thumbs her up (well, figuratively speaking, although you never know) again! Alas. There's Pansy's exit. Dammit. So she blows Howie a kiss, he laughs, and they part ways. Sigh.....

Pansy babbles for days about her and HOWIE. Mr. Pansy mocks Her! He does not believe Pansy! Well, honey, Pansy gots news for you: Next time she sees Howie, she's gone. Several years after this event out comes Howie's movie "Firestorm". OMG, OMG, OMG!! Mr. Pansy smirkingly takes Pansy to see Her Howie. Because although he vigorously mocks The Pansy, he also equally vigorously feeds The Pansy Monster. He takes Pansy to see Her Howie during an old people's afternoon matinee screening. He has always been one cheap ass. No matter. Pansy drools and watches this fascinating, probably a documentary, film which reveals Howie's great acting abilities. He makes Farrah Fawcett look like at least a Double(D) Oscar winning actress. Howie couldn't act his way out of....ummm...some kind of container like thing that's made out of, like, maybe paper and is moist or damp or soggy, like with maybe water. Howie has 4 (count 'em...FOUR) expressions:

1. Steely gaze (to gaze steely)
2. Happy smiling puppy face (to look like a happy smiling puppy)
3. Frowny face (to look frowny or perhaps constipated)
4. I forget

At any rate, this movie goes on forever and is making Pansy groan louder and louder. And not in a Deep Throat or Behind The Green Door good kinda groaning way. She had many, many "not quite right in the haid" scenes to comment about. At the very end of the show somehow Howie has been under water for a really long time. But he doesn't die. Dammit. There should have been death rolls with a crocodile involved. Pansy certainly remembers yelling/rooting for a crocodile. No crocodiles were in the movie, which she pointed out was a great disappointment to her. Pansy doesn't know or care what the other 8 people in the theater thought about whether the movie was missing a crocodile. Pansy DOES care that at the wonderful, climactic ending (climactic because it was, thankyougodfinally, the end!) of the movie Howie gives his Very Best Smiling Puppy Face to which Pansy screamed (yes, screamed) "That's Exactly how Howie looked at ME that day on the motorcycle!" She could not help herself. It really was the same face. Mr. Pansy scowled on the way home.