I am very pleased and proud to share my "Pansy's Ultimate XXXtreme Original Best House Cleaning System". It is being offered here as a Public Service but mostly because it is part of my parole requirements:
(1) matches
(2) fire hose
(3) large drain in center of room
Pull all contents out of every orifice in room, light match, do ritualistic dancing around fire (heavy drinking allowed AND encouraged), when flames die down use fire hose to flush all ashes down the center drain. Repeat for each room of house.
This System works for Everybody! Because it is an Absolute Fact that anyone can open any cabinet/drawer/closet in their home at random and they will NEVER fucking find anything more recent than telephone books from 2003.
Fuck the sorting into "yes" "no" "maybe" baskets. Burn all the fucking baskets, too. Seriously. I am not even the packrat of the Pansy Family. Reference: "Pansy Loves Grease" which discusses among other things Mr. The Ultimate Packrat Pansy and his goddammed spark fucking plugs. But I am not still bitter.
For god's sake would someone please tell Pansy what to do with old VCR tapes? They each have about 30 minutes of some lameass TV broadcast from as long ago as when "Pong" was all the rage in video games. Pansy has a "Pong" in her attic! And I ain't just talking about the house attic if you know what I mean. How else to explain this convulsion of shit in my house?
I should definitely cut each tape so that it is rendered useless, load them all up in the car and go to the dump. I have to cut the tapes to pre-empt someone viewing all the personal porn that I undoubtedly made with god-knows-who/when/where and have forgotten about. I am talking 17 grocery bags of stupid old VCR tapes! And there are 8 shelves of shit above my computer that I still haven't culled of useless VCR tapes.
But, wait! That's not all! You say YOUR house is too messy to be cleaned just using matches? Pansy's New and Improved Ultimate XXXtreme Original Best House Cleaning System is now available with a Fully Functioning Military Grade FLAMETHROWER at no additional cost if you send Just One (1) boatload of money within the next 20 minutes!
YOUR system could be on its way to you today! Or not. Send those boatloads NOW!!! All orders placed in the next 20 minutes will be eligible for a drawing to win a Roseanne Wet Bar Ride Around Vacuum Cleaner!
UPDATE ON 11/7/2008: DO NOT BE TRICKED BY CHEAP FUCKING IMITATIONS!
Published 11/5/2008: Cleaning cobwebs with blow torch blamed for house fire in Sargent
A single-story home in Sargent was damaged by fire Wednesday morning after the homeowner accidentally set the fire while cleaning cobwebs from the eaves around the exterior of the residence with a blow torch.
Pansy has LONG been promoting her house cleaning program. Since at least the early 1970s..........way before this faker in Sargent decided to steal her Original Idea.
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5 comments:
17 grocery bags of old VCR tapes? Methinks you forgot know how to count. I done SEEN that roomful of grocery bags and believe there are hundreds. And dead bodies underneath.
Damn you, mtk. Damn you to hell forever. I just looked and fuckindammit there ARE more bags under the stinking damn piano bench. But at least I found out where that stench has been coming from. I had forgotten about the bodies inside the "music storage compartment" during my first round of body removal.
I knew I should have killed you in your sleep. But you looked so lovely with that satisfied smile on your lips. And your breasts, rising with each sweet breath, were hynotizing. Your smooth pretty fingers still clutched tightly, even in slumber, to your xxx-large anatomically correct Relaxation Massager. I took pictures. Would you like to see them?
Where the hell is it?!! I've looked everywhere for the Vote Now erecti// election regarding those photos...
Too much of my stuff isn't flammable enough. Except the clothes and I am wearing all of them now taht it is winter.
Pansy has stopped talking!
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