Why'z Ev'y BUDDY Picking On Me?

For fucking god's sake...........Can't you fuckers of this world LEAVE PANSY ALONE? Besides her main credo: NOTHING IS SACRED, Pansy actually does have one (1), and ONLY ONE (1), lousy fucking rule to live by:

1. Remember: Only YOU can prevent an internet email joke from being forwarded. And do NOT send it to Pansy, you Stupid Email Skanks!

HOW TO IDENTIFY AN EMAIL THAT MUST NOT BE FORWARDED. If it has any of these words anywhere near it, kill it, kill it, kill it: ANGEL FLICKERING CANDLE TEDDY BEAR HUGS SAVE THE CHILDREN DON'T SCROLL DOWN RESCUE A NIGERIAN BANKER THIS IS NOT A WASTE OF TIME IT REALLY WILL HAPPEN

~whimper~ Why do people "invent" these emails in the first place? Pansy's Theory: to feel like they have control somewhere in their pathetic life. This would be especially applicable to all of the emails that have this fucking request included: "send this to 10 people in the next 10 minutes". OR WHAT, jackoff? [Puts hand up in air, waves it around excitedly, says "ooh! ooh! Pick me! Pick me!]

Teacher: Okay, Pansy. What do you think the "or what" involves?
Pansy: It means that if you don't send the email on to 10 people in 10 minutes you don't have any friends!
Teacher: Not exactly. Any other ideas?
Pansy: (worried/confused) It means you'll get bad luck?
Teacher: Not quite. Now think, Pansy.
Pansy: Oh, of course! You have to watch your children die terrible deaths right in front of you while you are being skinned alive all because you did NOT forward the email on!
Teacher: Very good! And what are you going to do the next time you receive one of these important emails, Pansy?
Pansy: I will respond to the Stupid Email Skank sender AND TO ALL OF THE OTHERS listed in that email something like this:


"You do not fucking get out very fucking much, do you? Geezusfuckingkryst, that email is so fucking old, PANSY probably made it up. WORSE.....this is a very fucking poorly disguised one of those FORBIDDEN "happy, uplifting" emails that are an inbred fucking cousin to those FORBIDDEN "joke emails" that hasn't Pansy already ripped you enough new assholes to convince you to STOP IT ALREADY?! You fucking old agoraphobic hag. GET OUT of your house more often, ok? And besides, this email was WRONG! There is ALWAYS a boozy drink in the other hand. In the REAL, original version of this stupid internet email piece of crap. You Stupid Skank."


But when Pansy did THAT, she got THIS from Stupid Email Skank #1:

"OMG! You dirty mouthed old whore. You just replied to my poor old and loving grandmother, who will most likely have a heart attack after reading your filth.
That’s the last time I ever send a “NICE” email your way to cheer you up! Looks like I’ll be taking a trip to Arizona to smooth things over with granny. I hate Arizona! BTW -Pansy, I’m sure you will be hearing from the nun that has been helping me through the difficult times I’ve been having with people trying to alienate my family and friends."

Plus, in a separate email Stupid Email Skank #1 also sent out this:

"To all my family and friends that are currently in shock due to the rantings of a certain “very ill” acquaintance of mine. I am so sorry you were subjected to this, just know that the paramedics finally got the straight jacket on once the tranquilizers took affect. My ill friend is in good hands and we should send only good thoughts her way. Sorry Grandma, I love you!"


And when a MAN SKANK sent Pansy some kinda email shit, Pansy wrote to him and All His Friends;

"if u do not fucking STOP this kind of fucking shit i will fucking kill you. and your wife and i will split the fucking insurance money. i mean it. fuck, i will just fucking kill you just to watch you fucking die. she can keep the fucking money. so am i just fucking dense or was there a fucking "joke" somewhere in that fucking attachment cuz i sure as fuck did not laugh at it. fuck"


But THAT had repercussions, too, which the foul Man Skank shared with Pansy:


"OK. You have made me the topic of discussion amongst all my coworkers who I used to call my friends. They are now piling on the Shiite beyond tolerance. Oh, and some of the curious have checked out your blog and found the, "hi my name is Pansy and I wanna be Hef's girl photos." Now they really think I'm some kinda pervert (don't repeat that). One who gets particular pleasure out of my embarrassment doesn't know my real name, he just calls me "Bitch." I was gonna cry on my momma's shoulder but she hates me too."


So Pansy decided perhaps she really should not include the other Innocent Victims of Stupid Email Skanks in her rants to the Stupid Email Skanks. She would only write to the Stupid Email Skanks themselves. And politely ask them to remove Pansy's name from such mass emailings in the future. Such as this request to Stupid Email Skank #2 who recently sent Pansy an email of squirrels being fakely cute and massaging each other. Which Pansy has only received said Stupid Fake Email 284 times this past year. Which kind of Stupid Fake Email is also on Pansy's Hit List because emails with lots of fancy-schmancy photoshopping/motion, etc. are just some pathetic loser's attempt to impress "us" with their Mad Computer Skilz. Pansy wrote:


"This is truly sick. Squirrels having doggie-style sex and you think THAT'S a stress relieving "precious moments" kind of thing that is somehow appropriate to email to everyone in the world? And who's to say that those squirrels aren't having anal sex? This smacks of beastial pornography. Plus, I believe (from the expression on his/her/its face) the "bottom" squirrel is just about to puke. I know I am. Whoops. I mean, I HAVE. Didn't you get the memo to stop spamming me with this kinda crap or you will deeply regret it? Please note I have used no damn vulgarities in this response. Oopsies! Sorry about that "damn". I meant: I have used no FUCKING vulgarities in this response. hahahhahahaha! Aahhhhhh! I feel all stress-free now! Laughter IS the best medicine. Next to heroin.
Mrs. Pure -n- Wholesome Pansy Palmetto"


THAT got Stupid Email Skank #2 mad. CLARIFICATION: Pansy does NOT feel that Stupid Email Skank #2 is indeed a "skank". Pansy is just using that phrase for continuity in this story. Pansy received this from Stupid Email Skank #2:

"First off let me say that I am truly sorry that I mistakenly clicked on your name and address and sent you the Stress Free Day e-mail with the 2 squirrels, one giving the other a relaxing back rub. There was absolutely nothing wrong with the picture of the squirrels, nor was it in bad taste. I am sorry you felt the way you did. While it was my intention to click on the person’s name and address that was underneath your name in my address book, I guess I failed to click on the correct one, and accidentally clicked on yours. Anyway…what I fail to see is why you sent your profanities to everyone I sent the email to; which included my 82 year old mother, my sisters and even my minister. That was totally un-called for. It was my mistake for e-mailing it to you, and not theirs. Again, I sincerely apologize to you."


HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAA! What are the fucking odds that this reaction was remarkably similar to Stupid Email Skank #1 and Man Skank? I mean, for god's sake, there is a religious figure (minister/nun) in each situation. ELDERLY MOTHERS. Distraught people all around. What's a Pansy to believe?

Worse, Pansy feels (brace yourselves) BAD! Pansy truly had NOT intended to include all the other Innocent Victims EVER AGAIN. So how did that happen? Because Pansy, poor thing, has that Terrible Fat Fingers Syndrome from peripheral neuropathy from the inoperable, incurable, the-doctors-don't-even-know-what-kind of CANCER Pansy even has so she has to get weekly chemotherapy to keep the CANCER under quasi-control but the chemo drugs have given Pansy moderately severe peripheral neuropathy from the CANCER that Pansy has……continue this mobius loop for as long as you wish….

Yeh, Bitch Pansy is pulling out her "Caner Card". "Caner" comes from Portugese WasherWoman who misspelled "cancer" long ago in a very heartfelt email she sent to Pansy. Who immediately slapped Portugese WasherWoman up one side and down the other, completely overlooking the heartfelt message in order to point out the misspelled word. So, forever more, Pansy has CANER.

The difference between Stupid Email Skank #1/Man Skank and Stupid Email Skank #2? Skank #1 and Man Skank are "friends" of Pansy. Pansy fears what curse Stupid Email Skank #2 is raining down on Pansy right this very second. But Pansy has no intentions of visiting her children any time soon, so they should be safe. I think maybe for as much as "the next 10 minutes." Somehow [golly gee], Pansy feels that Stupid Email Skank #2 does NOT believe Pansy's excuse/apology. Yes, Pansy wrote back and APOLOGIZED. But, then, we are probably "even" because (gasp!) Pansy does NOT believe the Stupid Email Skank #2's "apology" either.

I mean. Fuck. Look at it carefully. The Stupid Email Skank #2 STILL maintains that the email shows "2 squirrels, one giving the other a relaxing back rub." THAT IS SO FUCKING UNTRUE! SQUIRRELS DON'T KNOW FUCK ABOUT BACK RUBS. But Pansy is convinced that squirrels DO know about fucking. I'm leaving it to God to fucking sort this shit out. See you in Hell.