AHHH, family! Can't kill 'em; can't eat 'em. But there IS that part where they reveal closet skeletons and make everyone (except the owner of the skeleton) laugh and laugh and laugh.
My Stupid Elderly Baby Sister (SEBS) did it! Not Me! Thank God! She has been finalizing family genealogy stuff for the past several years. Our mother put most of it together but is totally mentally gone now with Alzheimer's since 1999, so she obstinantly persists in being QUITE UNHELPFUL with our questions. During one of our home invasion/steal everything not nailed down visits to our Dad, up turns a letter from UncleG to our parents in which UncleG is announcing the birth of their third child, CousinJ.
SEBS proudly presents the letter to CousinJ during yet another one of those Family Reunions we keep having to endure since the fucking old people continue to refuse to die. As CousinJ read the letter she is making weirder and weirder faces. Turns out SEBS had read the letter when she found it, but for some reason interpreted it to have been written in our family's classic viciously sarcastic mode of communication. Not exactly.
UncleG wrote to say CousinJ was born 1 minute before midnight on July 22 and "couldn't she have waited one more minute? Now I have to pay for Sunday, too! I am so mad I could eat a ham sandwich!" [OMG. I am so grateful swearing has calmed down since 1953. Such profane language!] UncleG then informs my parents of the baby's name and writes "isn't that just awful!?" With the word "awful" heavily underlined...practically tearing through the paper. UncleG then makes more comments about how he can't see how my parents could hate him and his wife because he and his wife are too nice. And he signs off with an abbreviation of his name, "UG". It appears these two closest of brothers had a major tiff. UncleG and family did not come to most family reunions. Hmmmm....skeletons?
CousinJ is shocked since she has believed, for her entire life----up to that very second----that her birthday is July 23. Not July 22, which is when she was actually born...at one minute before midnight thus directly causing her father incredible grief, financial woes, angering him enough to want to eat a ham sandwich, plus he hates her name! And he has never been "UG" in any way, shape or form so now she's thinking maybe he isn't even her father! hahahahahha! As us cousins all kindly laugh our heads off at her, she says "Holy Cow! This means I am not even a Leo!" To which we burst forth anew with even more laughter.
Since SEBS and I did not know CousinJ's "birthday" we had no clue this would be a bad letter for her. If we had known about July 22 vs. July 23, maybe that letter just would have disappeared. UncleG lives with CousinJ and her family so maybe an update/explanation is forthcoming. Meanwhile, I am pretending I have "the answer": SEBS and another girl cousin were both born on April 23 and CousinJ was born the same year "almost" on July 23. So maybe her parents just wanted to be in on the "babies born on the 23rd" cult thing. Although, to be honest, I didn't know there WAS such a cult re "babies born on the 23rd."
Then there was the reunion the year when finally a few of the old folks did die off. That's when all hell broke loose. Turns out one uncle dated AuntieM all through school. In small towns back then you did NOT date someone "fovever" without also marrying them. He joined the military and got sent away..........to where AuntieE was then living. The whole family told him to "look up AuntieE." About 6 weeks later, he and AuntieE were married. One does wonder how the family took THAT news but that's all blood long gone under some bridge somewhere. AuntiE dies and at the very next family renuion WidowerUncle is hitting up on AuntieM! WTF!? He was serious. She declined. Couldn't he let the body get just a wee bit COLDER before going after AuntieM? Sheesh. Horny old people.
The latest reunion was a week ago. Only THIS time the reunion is combined with my Dad's and UncleG's Prisoner of War group. Because who DOESN'T want to get together and reminisce about the good old days when we were all prisoners of war? Again with the remaining old people who refuse to die off, thus making us younger generationers have to waste our valuable time escorting their elderly asses around. Luckily we all drink. It is amazing that the core POWs are still alive and able to visit each other. Of the pod of four who spent their war years together (and got each other through it), three remain alive. This reunion probably was their last one. So that gathering was kind of tear-y.
But Family Reunions aren't the ONLY kind of reunions. Pansy attended a reunion this summer on the highest order of bizarreness: reunions with people you only know from the INTERNET! hahahahahhahahaha! And Mr. Pansy agreed to go along with this nonsense!
We all gathered together to ride our bicycles. That is the only commonality between us all. Evidently, that is enough. There was liquor available and I brought along all my drugs so I could become unconscious at the swallow of an overdose if necessary. What a fun long weekend that was. I do not know if I will again attend one of this group's reunions but I can assure you that using rare and valuable vacation time to do THIS kind of reunion smacks of insanity. Except for the fact that it was fun. Which only further affirms my conviction there was "Kool Aid" in those drinks.
And then there's the Ever-Unpopular But You Just Can't Look Away And Sometimes You Can't Even STAY Away: HIGH SCHOOL REUNIONS. This summer was a bumper crop for reunions of all kinds. So why not? Pansy went to a combo-reunion of her high school wherein her group was 41 years past graduation. I got to hook up with:
1. My unrequited high school crush
2. Some guy who said I was HIS unrequited high school crush
3. The guy Mr. Pansy THINKS was my unrequited high school crush
4. One of my 2 "best girl friends"
Here's a picture of my best girl friend. Taken by "accident" by Mr. #3. She thinks a "real friend" would destroy that picture. I say "who doesn't want to look long and get hard over a 60-year old grannie panties/pantyhosed crotch!?" Enjoy:
No, you shithead......that is NOT Pansy's 60 year old crotch. She's not THAT old. But she'll be glad to get that old.
2 comments:
I didn't even notice the beaver shot. I was too busy trying to figure out which emperor was reigning the year your class graduated? And did you get your diploma on a slab of chiseled granite or was papyrus invented by then?
Slow....I would wash your filthy mouth out with my tongue except I hate the taste of Old Man. I take that back. You not only aren't an Old Man, hell, you aren't even a man. NO kind of man would ever admit he "didn't even notice the beaver shot."
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