25 Things I Didn't Know About Facebook

Facebook has come to blight my life. I have been defriended more than a few times (what a shocker! hahahhahaha!); my computer has been attacked by all kinds of bugs and viruses; I think I might be on a "list" somewhere. In fact, I am quite certain I am on several "lists" out there. hahaha! I hope so. And having to put up with all those incessant "applications" and "quizzes" and "lists". But I get my jollies by re-formatting them. To wit:


THERE WAS THE "25 THINGS YOU DIDN'T KNOW ABOUT ME". Considering I know just about nothing about any of these people in the first place is, evidently, quite beside the point. My version was "25 THINGS ABOUT GETTING CANCER"

1. I did not collapse, scream, or cry at the doctor's office. It was already way too fucking late for those cheap theatrics.

2. Instead, I went home on that Black Friday and waited for Mr. Pansy to come home. I did not call him at work or go see him at work. Why not let him have his last 5 hours of "life is happy, happy, joy, joy" innocent ignorance?

3. When Mr. Pansy got home, I began to break things. I broke him. I broke our two children. I broke my sister, my brother, my parents. That wasn't enough. Over the next few weeks I broke every one of my friends, too.

4. When Mr. Pansy told his mother, she said these immortal words: "She is going to really manipulate you now." I hope I will never say such a cruel thing to anyone. Especially not to my child as they tell me about something that is causing them the most pain of their life. It took me some time to realize she is jealous and furious that I have topped any kind of infirmity she can ever come up with. Gotta take my wins where I can get them, you know. hahahha!

5. I knew immediately that I would do anything/take anything the doctors suggested or offered. It was "ON". I would die from the shame I would feel if I did not do everything. I will NOT have my family/friends ever be able to say "she didn't try."

6. After 43 days of getting every cancer test out there, we learned I have Secret Cancer. It refuses to even give just its name, rank or serial number. This one was gonna be a tough customer.

7. My doctors tell me that I have "unknown primary cancer metastasized to the liver, right kidney and both lungs." And that it is incurable. And inoperable. I say "Oh. And what's the bad news?" I really did say that.

8. The bad news was that Plan A involved simultaneous full strength doses of all the chemo drugs for lung cancer, ovarian cancer and breast cancer.

9. I felt horribly ashamed to be so frightened about impending chemo treatments. There was no other option, so I went to MY "Plan A": I made a deal with God. I told God that I would accept whatever came my way and that whatever happened, it would be okay with me. God said "Deal." And in that exact second, all my fears went away. Forever.

10. Plan A is implemented. I am Very Surprised. This chemo stuff truly is not nearly as awful as its reputation. Oh, it IS awful...that's a for sure fucking fact. But surely if there is one thing everyone does know about me, it is my credo: if a Pansy can do it, anyone can do it. I smile as I vomit.

11. Six chemo rounds later we learn that Secret Cancer thinks the chemo drugs are manna from heaven. It's grown leaps and bounds and is all plump and pink and cheerful. I am wilted, thin, gray-skinned and bald. And kinda pissed off. Plan A is supposed to have a 50% success rate. Well, fuck the 50% I got stuck with.

12. We go to Plan B. It is presented to me as Very Useless and perhaps I should consider going straight to Plan C (experiments out of town) since I was real close to running out of time. I want to go with Plan B, somewhat against my doctor's wishes.

13. Guess The Fuck What? Very Useless Plan B fucking worked!

This is where my list ends. I know it's not 25 things but "13" is my Lucky Number. I was born on a "13"; I work on Floor "13" (although it is called Floor 14); and my desk is even located at Space "13". No sense messing with good mojo!

BUT PANSY DON'T LIKE TO LEAVE THINGS UNFINISHED, SO SHE THOUGHT IT OVER SOME MORE AND GOT THESE:

14. I am no fence sitter. I somehow "know" which medical decisions to make. And I don't even have no medical degree!

15. I have never been intimidated by my doctors and have never doubted their guidance. Lucky for them I have approved of their decisions, so far.

16. I am astounded every waking minute over how Mr. Pansy picked up every oar in our boat and continues to look for more oars. I don't know why he isn't dead from stress or exhaustion already.

17. I lost all emotional attachment to possessions. Everything I own is merely a "thing".

18. I love that I must have chemo forever. I could not endure the "performance pressure" of a finite set of treatments.

19. Considering I cry at the drop of a hat about others, I have only cried "for myself" 3 times. I hope that means I am far less selfish than I believe I am. I'm probably wrong about that hope!

20. I had no idea I would be so ANGRY about having cancer but I don't feel sad about it. I confess I enjoy being a "hater" on things like Facebook lists and "forward to everyone" emails. And jalapeno peppers. Boy, do I ever haaate those! hahahhaha!

21. I never did and especially now do not regret one single moment of my lifelong lack of "plan for the future" genes. Those memories are worth more than any retirement plan now! hahahhaha!

22. I believe Mr. Pansy will go on without me. I wish he would believe it, too.

23. Cancer's greatest gift is that it allows a "long" goodbye. I love how cancer swept away a lot of bullshit emotional clutter between me and the family members that matter the most to me: husband, children, siblings. So many people waste years on petty issues because they think they have forever. There were not many issues for me but it's good to have a clean slate.

24. I have cancer the "best" way: no terrible financial debts, no insurance hassles, great doctors, wonderful emotional support from family, friends and my employer.

25. I am most happy that I had guaranteed renewable life insurance. At least I got to stick something to "the man" when I suddenly became uninsurable! Mr. Pansy will have 5 years worth of house payments to buy him time to make sensible decisions. He has new insurance too. I will be able to buy the most rockin' set of boobs ever. Screw "sensible"!

And one to grow on:

26. I am very un-reconciled to death. But I trust I will be given the tools I will need when I get there. Besides, cancer garners way too much attention for what we all eventually have to face. Who knew the perks of having such a "glamour diagnosis" would work so great for Lazy Narcissistic Pansy! hahahaha!

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THE BUCKET LIST.
The object is to read the list and place an (x) by all the things you've done; do NOT place an (x) by things you have not done. Pansy HATES stupid ass things......but especially she hates a fucking "Bucket List" and all its lame, Lifetime Channel morbid death aspects. You want a fucking "Bucket List" outta me? Here ya go.

(x) waded in a mountain stream and had sex
(x) owned a VW bug and had sex
(x) visited a friend's house and had sex in their bathroom
(x) been in a sleeping bag out in the open and had sex in it in 100 degree weather
(x) Skipped school and had sex
(x ) been in an attic crawl space and had sex
(x) sat in a mountain meadow and had sex because we thought we were alone until that family walked up on us----Note to self: don't take LSD before sex, it alters your judgment re "aloneness"! hahahha!
(x) Owned a boat (canoe) and had sex
(x) Been to a lighthouse and had sex
(x) Swam in the ocean and had sex
(x) Went streaking and had sex
(x) Been to a rodeo and had sex
(x) Sang Karaoke (“Just One Look”) and had sex
(x) Laughed until a beverage came out of my nose and had sex
(x) Watched the sunrise with someone and had sex
(x) Gone to the indoor movies and had sex
(x) Gone to a drive-in movie theater and had sex
(x) Owned a convertible and had sex in it
(x) Seen a total eclipse of the sun and had sex
(x) Been to Altamont and had sex
(x) been in bathtub; shower; swimming pool...sex in all
(x) returned to work after "lunch" with dress on entirely inside out because of having sex
(x) Been to Arizona and had sex
(x) Been to California and had sex (still doing that)
(x) Been to Colorado and had sex
(x) Been to Florida and had sex
(x) Been to Georgia and had sex
(x) Been to Hawaii and had sex
(x) Been to Jamaica and had sex
(x) Been to Missouri and had sex
(x) Been to Montana and had sex
(x) Been to Nevada and had sex
(x) Been to New Jersey and had sex
(x) Been to New Mexico and had sex
(x) Been to South Carolina and had sex
(x) Been to South Dakota and had sex
(x) Been to Tennessee and had sex
(x) Been to Texas and had sex
(x) Made a boyfriend cry? Hellayes! Due to great sex!
( ) Shook the hand of a President---No, but I did shake Robert Kennedy's hand, before he was assassinated; no sex
( ) Joined the mile-high club. NO! What? You think I’m some kind of sex weirdo?
( ) Had sex in hot tub? NO! Who wants to have to skim "foam" off the surface?
(x) Woke up today and (you know what's next) HAD SEX!

It has come (PUN!) to my attention that OTHER PEOPLE's so-called "bucket lists" differ from mine. I cannot help it if they have boring lists.

And lately I have been scoring Big Time: I would last for 32 seconds in a death match against Chuck Norris; the Bad Ass Animal I would be is a Great White Shark; my superpower is "Super Ventiloquism" with really huge red lips. I think I'll go find me some more Facebook quizzes/lists.

You All Make Pansy Gag. Literally.

I have always been quite the prolific vomitress. I puked every day of my pregnancies. Sometimes twice a day. All that retching was a very worthwhile downpayment for the fabulous 4 hour painless labors I got to experience. I literally could have gotten straight up from the birthing bed and plowed 40 acres.

One day in 2003 I noticed that I could not brush my teeth without excessive gagging and very nearly vomiting. Now why isn't THAT listed as an early sign of cancer? Soon thereafter came all the many chemo drugs and Pansy went pro in the sport of XPH [Xtreme Projectile Hurling]. But now it has gotten completely out of hand......or out of mouth, should I say?

I have become hyper-sensitive to gag-inducing situations. Lord save you if you are what I call a "sloppy eater." I don't even know how to describe what qualifies as a "sloppy eater"! You eat with your mouth open? I'll gladly grab out the big chunks for myself. You have food on your face? I'll lick you clean. But God Forbid and Have Mercy On Your Dead Carcass if you eat "too fast". That will set me off into a truly disgusted/disgusting retching fit. I mean MY gagging makes ME gag so it's quite the vicious cycle.

And my gagging problem has spread to other "triggers". I have been known to start gagging when first meeting someone! It is NOT COOL to be saying "Hi. Nice to [gag, retch] meet you [heave]!" AND have to actually turn away to get my gagging under control. I actually embarrass my own damn self! I also possibly am not going to be making very many new friends from now on out.

The best way I can attempt to explain it is: "Sometimes I feel like a gag, sometimes I don't." There is ONE extremely good side to all of this: Mr. Pansy now has the largest, most gag-inducing penis on this planet! And you can Just Stop Already with the fake waterworks for Mr. Pansy. He ain't missing out on anything. He has "come" to terms with the new soundtrack that now goes along with certain mouth-to-body-parts [gag, retch] activities. hahahha!