The old hag friend of SEBS was talking to SEBS about how she didn't get to go to a car show last weekend because of this marching band. SEBS got all excited and quizzed her about the band. Eventually the woman said SEBS should consider joining and asked SEBS what she played. In high school she had played bells. To which the woman gasped, both hands flew to her face and she screeched "We HAVE bells! And we NEED a bells player!" It was obviously Fate Sent By God.
That very day SEBS drove over to where the instruments are stored, and with no ID or proof whatsoever bull-shitted the old man about how she was the new bells player. He handed over a $600 instrument and she drove away with it! She is very protective of her tender emotions about this and really does NOT want to "have to deal with knowing" that anyone she knows is going to see her marching by. Well then why did she tell me!? I would fucking be there if it required an ambulance.
There could not be more definitive, unimpeachable proof that SEBS is in fucking fact SISTER O' PANSY. OH, god. I have laughed so much I have injured myself. And while the stupid bitch could not suppress herself enough to keep this Most Incredible Secret to herself.....she did manage to refuse to tell me anything about the band, where this parade is happening, etc. How could SHE of all people in this world not know Pansy is as foul as the day is long when it comes to really wanting to know something. So I let SEBS babble and eventually she let out ONE solitary clue. I managed to playact with SEBS until I said I needed to hang up and go rest. Sucker Sissie fell for it.
Immediately Pansy Jr. and I burned up the internet and found out everything we needed to know: band name, time/location of this parade, BAND LOGO PARAPHENALIA to purchase (and thereby support the marching band), etc. Turns out the paraphenalia is all out of stock. Every last fucking piece of shit including the damn dog scarves. So we didn't get to go to the parade decked out like we really wanted to be.
We plotted to secretly go to the 4th of July parade, be QUIET parade watchers as the fool SEBS marched by banging her bells and destroy our cameras with more photo taking than a posse of paparazzi. After the parade we would hunt her down and watch her dissolve from shame/excitement that we had outed her. Possibly even take her out for a Celebratory I-Hop 4th O'July Pancake Breakfast! Seems fitting. They have such a nice Senior Menu, too. SEBS tried to make me believe she had not even told her husband where the parade is, but that doesn't seem right. He knew but was under Real Threat of Real Death if he revealed any information to anyone. She did say he was standing in their yard as she drove away to join the band and pick up the bells with a peculiar expression on his face: part smirk/part deep humiliation/part pride. Because he's as huge a dweeb as she is. Former Full On Eagle Scout and all that crap.
Even Better: the marching band has OLD LADY Baton Twirlers. Well, Pansy Jr. herself is a Baton Twirler Extraordinaire. And so is SEBS, by the way. Okay, okay. Even Pansy is a twirler, but I never went pro. Pansy Jr. packed her two batons ahead of time to make sure we did not forget to take them to the parade. She was gonna hit up (not literally, but accidents happen) one of the Old Lady Baton Twirlers with an impromptu audition for the purpose of getting lessons. And hopefully simultaneously embarrassing/making Auntie proud. The old marching people wear "matching uniforms". I cannot wait to get a load of those. I wonder if they wear "special shoes"? Ow, my side hurts from more laughing. It takes so little to amuse me.
Because it is IMPORTANT to know the genesis of how these terrible things (old people in marching bands) could happen to you in your very own family, here is some more information:
Pansy Jr. took twirling lessons for years mostly because those Texas genes are impossible to eradicate no matter how many times you shout "Out, damn'd spot! Out, I say!" and she has always LOVED twirling. Auntie SEBS was a twirler in the Orangevale Velveteers (orange velvet costume included jaunty Paul Revere tricorn hat with white fluffy feathers!) in her early high school years. She weighed all of 73 pounds. Glasses, hideous perm in her hair, snaggly teeth. That picture is priceless but in the possession of SEBS. I will do what I can to obtain it. I have all kinds of blackmail on her. I'll have it soon.
At Pansy Jr.'s yearly recitals Auntie SEBS would attend because she is her family's only girl (very tragic story of mother of 3 sons, no daughters) and evidently SEBS was secretly fascinated by the Old Twirlers. The OTs were women who took lessons at this same dance studio as children. Then they grew up and had their own children but when their own children started lessons the OTs started pouting and whining that THEY still wanted to twirl, too. So teacher made a class for the OTs with this payback: the OTs had to perform at every recital. hahahahaha. God, I miss the Frank 'N Dolores Dance Studio. I bet they were from Texas.
Now I must go research several burning questions I have:
---Are there bell solos in John Philip Sousa marches?
---Are there Enough bell solos?
---Have they considered "amplified" bells?
---Can't the band director place The Bell Player more prominantly in the formation?
---Should she be front and center?
---Perhaps in the Direct Center but in a line consisting only of herself with color flags in the lines just in front of and behind her?
---Could the color flags have spotlights to point out The Bell Player?
---Can't they move those Old Hag Twirlers to behind the band? And would SomeOne put long pants on those "legs".....pleeeeze!
---Other rude thoughts not yet fully formed.
Costco! Someone has to get to Costco for MORE CAMERA BATTERIES.
DAY OF THE PARADE: Pansy Jr. cannot attend the parade. She is devastated but I promised to carry on. Mr. Pansy keeps me on schedule and even with all his cattle prodding we arrived in the small town at 9:50am. The parade was to start at 10:00am. No problem. We drove right up to a shady parking spot which turned out to be 2 blocks from where we decided to view the parade. That viewing spot was only 1 block from the Judge's Stand so it was ideal in that we got to see each "act's" premier moves. It was the cutest little small town parade I have seen in eons. Military vehicles filled with Boy and Girl Scouts, a crew of 5 unicyclists (how could I fail to have taken their picture? But I had to be sure to save my camera for SEBS), some nondescript cars with 2-3 people inside. Lord knows what/how/why these parade entrants wanted to even be in the parade for. But, oh well. And the La-De-Dah entry was the local police force on 8 motorcycles doing fancy loop-de-loop "daring" criss-crosses through each other's lines. Kind of a land-based Blue Angels. NOT! But adorable and the "crowd" went wild. The crowd was a singular row of people along the curbs for 8 city blocks. This was great stuff.
Then..........ohmygod..........you could HEAR THE BELLS from a city block away! The BAND was coming! The BAND was coming! Thank goodness SOME things never change. Like where the bell player is positioned. I knew from my own junior high/high school marching band days (French horn) that SEBS would be with the percussion group and in the last row of marchers. The bell player is ALWAYS on the right back corner so we were properly positioned on the correct side of the street for fullest viewing of SEBS.
That sloppy kid does NOT have his t-shirt tucked in! Where's his pride?
I couldn't stand it. I erupted like a volcano and told the row of viewers along the curb that [insert entire Pansy family history here and all about how SEBS is being busted and this is her first parade and other chattering forever]. BUT YOU KNEW THAT WAS FUCKING GOING TO HAPPEN SINCE ANYTHING PANSY DOES INVOLVES SHANGHAING INNOCENT BYSTANDERS. Thank goodness SOME things never change.
So......up comes the BAND. Since I was busy snapping photos I really didn't "see" the Band, the Old Lady Baton Twirlers, or much of anything except for my SEBS. All is fine and good, they end their little tune (huge bell banging finale) and..............they stop!! I mean stop moving forward. They are marching in place because several "acts" ahead of them are doing their thing for the Judges. My SEBS is marching in place literally directly in front of me!
SHE DOES NOT KNOW YET:
The crowd, having become family members by virtue of their terrible decision to pick that area to watch the parade did it! They Really DID IT! On the count of three, we all yelled: "THAT LOOKS LIKE PANSY'S SISTER!"
And lots of laughing, clapping, hooting, etc. SEBS slowly, dazedly, looks to her right and sees me (and all our new family members) waving at her and grinnning like jackasses. She smiled back. More photos.
IT BEGINS TO REGISTER:
Then I decide "this is ridiculous", hand off my camera, run up beside SEBS, march in place beside her as one of my new "aunts" took pictures of me and SEBS together.
I BELIEVE SHE IS BEATING ME WITH HER BELL BANGER:
We met up after the parade and SEBS was all agog with her huge rushing buzz from performing live. Practically like being a rock star I bet! Her hubby found us and off they went for probably some Sex With The Bells Player fun and games.
Ahhhh. It was a great parade. They might have even won FIRST PLACE for "Marching Bands." Of course, they WERE the only fucking marching band in the entire parade. Still, the vote could be close. I think I may join the band. First, I'll practice having sex with my band groupie, Mr. Pansy.
